Having difficult conversations is part of being human. Whether it’s asking for a raise or telling your sister you have concerns about her new boyfriend, these conversations can give us anxiety before, during, and after we have them. It might be tempting to put these conversations off, but that usually leads to unhappiness and resentment (and if you’re waiting for that raise, less money). 

The good news? We have some tips and tricks that will help you tackle these difficult conversations. 

1. Bring Your Best Self

Try and get a good night’s sleep before the conversation. Make sure you aren’t hungry, thirsty, or (if possible) upset about something unrelated to your current conflict. Wear comfortable clothing. Try and have the conversation somewhere quiet and relaxing, and limit potential distractions. If you’re someone who struggles to sit still, and the situation allows, consider having the conversation while on a walk around the neighborhood. 

2. Know What You Want

Have a goal in mind when you start the conversation, and be clear about what you want. Have supporting facts ready, like the many ways you’ve saved the company money or a screenshot of your sister’s boyfriend’s dating profile that’s still active. And while you should express truthfully how you’re feeling, you don’t need to go overboard or focus entirely too much on the negative. Express your concerns clearly, then offer possible positive solutions to improve the situation.

3. Use “I” Statements

During a heated conversation, it can be easy to blame the other party. Using “you” often puts people on the defensive, and they’re less likely to listen. To avoid this, make yourself the subject, instead of the other person. Instead of telling your boss “you don’t want me to succeed” try “I’d like to be compensated for my hard work.” 

Instead of getting exasperated and telling your sister “you have terrible taste in men,” try, “I don’t want to see you get hurt again.” Once you’ve said your piece, it’s time for you to listen. Give them the time and space to respond, without interrupting or talking over them. You don’t have to agree with them, but if you want a positive outcome, you do have to hear them.

4. Be Ready for Criticism

Often, these conversations will bring up our previous mistakes. Your boss might bring up the time you lost an account, and your sister could remind you of your own not-so-great ex. Stay calm, and if the criticism is pertinent to the conversation, own it. If it’s something that you hadn’t noticed, talk about what you can do differently in the future. Showing the other person that you are willing to change your behavior can help them feel more empowered to change theirs, too. 

5. Take a Break 

These conversations often bring up big emotions for everyone. It’s ok to take a break and continue it later so words don’t get heated and both parties can process their thoughts. 

In the meantime, try and center yourself: take a walk, listen to relaxing music, spend time with a pet, or talk to someone you care about who isn’t involved in the situation. Set a time that you will continue the conversation, whether it’s in a couple hours or a couple days.

6. Agree to Disagree

In the words of The Rolling Stones, you can’t always get what you want. You can’t make your boss give you that raise and you can’t control who your sister dates. However, you’ll feel better knowing that you’ve made your feelings known and it’s something the other person can consider with time. If necessary, you can consider new boundaries or different actions based on their response (such as looking for a new job or limiting social interaction with the new boyfriend). 

Be proud of yourself for being brave enough to have the conversation. They’re hard, and each time you do it you build your skills and self confidence. Well done! 

For more tips on having difficult conversations, check out these articles from Psychology Today and Reach Out Australia.